nope, considering hes in a different state at the moment and isn’t coming home anytime soon /:
Too many years in a row!Source: onedirectionwhat
I don’t know what to do now? A lot of adverse things are going on in my life! From people to my health! In the matter of 7 days @ the same doctors office I gained 6 pounds and shrunk 1 & 1/2 inches. Which confuses me!
But, also my blood work has to be redone. To my new doctor some of my numbers are a sign of concern. Worries of Hep-B or Hep-C now! Since this was the first physical I’ve had in over 2 years She’s worried it could be something major.(I don’t think she understands of how many doctors I’ve seen in the last 2+ years) Since this has just started happening since end of July! I thought with all my weight lost I would be in better health. Plus, I can’t seem to get over this bug which might be part of the problem. For every 1 good day I have 2-3 days I don’t want to get out of bed cause of how I feel physically. I’ll take Jake out 3-4 times a day but other than that I want to sleep! Some days if it wasn’t for coffee I wouldn’t have the energy to do anything. There are some days I wish the original Stacker 2 pills were still available. That would help with energy!
I kind of hate this time of year. I want to give everyone a gift even thought they might not deserve one. But, money is tight. I already got the secret Santa gift. Found 2 gifts for my mom. Ordering jerseys for my cousins(nephews. Whatever they are to be called by me they are family that it). I would like to buy a couple of doggy stockings for a couple of pups in my neighborhood(maybe a kitty one also). Possibly one to Roy (even though he never uses anything I give him). Also, possibly a couple small gifts to a few of the girls at the bar. But, I’m not rich. So I need to make a list and select who I would give a gift to and what. But, the pups and kitty’s will get stockings from me!
Funny thing about gifts is I get asked what do I want for christmas. I think and think and I really don’t need anything and I really don’t want anyone to spend a lot of money on gifts because money is tight with everyone.
People just have been annoying me in so many ways. With what they say, what they do, how they are basically deceptive. I’ve deleted my original facebook page and created a new one. But, this time I’m going to be selective on who I friend. I’m tired of so-called friends. I’m not one of those who need to have a lot of facebook friends or twitter followers to make me happy! I’m now speaking my mind and I’m messaging people who I thought were friends telling them what I really think or feel! I don’t care if they like it or not. I’m also having internal struggles with my feelings. I want to be friendly but I’m just getting sick of the way I’m talked to or treated. I need to figure out how to express myself to women that I like. I think that’s one of the major things that are holding me back mentally. I’m thinking about what’s best for me. I don’t know whats best I’m so used to being 2nd or 3rd best. Especially when others think that!
I’m also struggling with whether I should ask this girl out I really like her. I think she likes me but I don’t know if she’ll go out with me? She’s younger than me and but she really likes to talk to me about everything. But, how will I handle it if she says no? This will be a LONG weekend!
It races a thousand miles a second. Thoughts that vary from just waking up to a way to end my life. No control. Just like a slot machine. Pull the lever (or now just push the button) and see where it stops. If you hit the jackpot then you can’t the thought out of your head or just keep spinning and another thought stays til next spin.
Why can’t I just slow it down or control it?
It keeps me up! Random thoughts will pop in my head and cause me to worry or think too much even though the thoughts are either of something useless, ancient history, or absolutely nothing.
Medications don’t seem to work. Anti depressant, anti psychotic, anti anxiety. No, No, and NO! But, don’t want to be put on major meds like lithium or seraquel. Dont want to be a zombie. But, I would like a day with no thoughts. Just one day!
When I walk I need my headphones as loud as humanly possible. So I can’t hear my thoughts! Is there a way to shut my brain down without Illegal drugs?
I can’t remember things like names or faces. Even childhood friends I have to struggle to remember. Even if I can. But, I can have trivial stuff just pop in my head when I get asked a stupid trivia question. But, I can forget what I just read on the last page. I can’t understand why?
Some doctors say it could be ADD or ADHD or even BI-Polar. But, if that is true why wasnt diagnosed at a younger age. Did I hide it? Was it just a fat kid with depression? Everything back when I was a kid had to do with my weight. But, maybe it was my brain that caused everything in my life? Was denying I had a problem enough to keep my doctors at bay?
So, why do I have drug myself up (with prescription meds) just to get some rest or to just to slow my brain down? That’s why I write these blogs. I put a pen to paper to allow my thoughts to flow as free as I can get. Then type these here. I can’t even use Dragon Voice software to do this cause I go off on tangents then get recorded.
As I write this. My mind keeps saying why write this? No one will read or care! Chances are that is true. Do I want people I know and don’t know to see behind the curtain? Of the real me? Will they think differently of me? DO I CARE? SHOULD I CARE?
YES! NO! I DONT KNOW! ITS UP TO THE SECOND!
This may be the last post that some of you may see for a while. I’ll still be writing them. But, I might put it on a different blog or it will be private and only some will see.
I sit here looking at Jake the only thing (to me a person) that never had ulterior motive. All that he wants is attention & love. He gives me happiness & unconditional love back.
I have done a lot of soul searching and looking back at my life (what I can remember) mostly of the last 13 years in NH and partly the last 6 in MA. There’s always a couple things that troubles me is that I’ve allowed myself to have too many feelings towards everyone I meet. Whether like, love, worry, concern, etc. I’ve allowed my mind, heart, time & wallet to be used and abused by the many who knew how to manipulate me. Some of you will read this and know who you are or you know someone who did it to me. Even my friends and so called friends have done it too.
I’m also tired of the people who talk and say were friends at the bar. But, outside the bar I get lies, excuses, and blowoffs. I’m not feeling bad about myself just tired of all the years of bullshit!
I think I need to just clean things up and have to tighten up the ends. I don’t exactly know 100% what I will do to make these changes. But, there will be major changes. In attitude. In thoughts. Everything!
What this may end up meaning to people who may read this. Maybe nothing. Maybe I’m just going to remove you from my memory. With the major changes in my body I’m thinking major changes are needed overall.
Step one starts tomorrow when I wake up.
Step two is……..